I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
