is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
