you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
