He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
