all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
