No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
