Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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