Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
