You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
