i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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