the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
