Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
