If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
