Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
