I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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