Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
