is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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