Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just gargled with NyQuil
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
