Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
