Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just pynch a tree in the face
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
