saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
