I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
