and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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