and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I have aggressive nipples.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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