We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
