he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
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