hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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