dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
