just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
