where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
my sisters under your porch take her home
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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