A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
