good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
