you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
