We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
