i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
