I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
