Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Randomize
