If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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