At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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