If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
