shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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