and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
