after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
