i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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