I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
