New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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