my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
