At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
