I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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