i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
